// writing music or not//

I’ve been improvising much more lately than I ever have in the past. Spending the last 2 months with little access to a piano, other than the hundred year-old out of tune missing keys, communal piano that I had a couple lovely evenings with; has left me feeling a little intimidated by some of the classical pieces I had been delving into when I left the west coast. 

Anyways, since every time I try and play anything formal my brain fills up with angry spiders, I’ve taken to just using the piano as a means for emotional catharsis, intentional dissacociation and healing. Its hard to really remember what I’ve been playing enough to write the music down, but I do seem to retain certain patterns that I’ve found really fulfilling. Basically I just play rhythmic looping patterns until I’m in some sort of trance & then let my fingers play what feels good to my body. Unless I record it, I have little memory of it, other than the muscle memory of certain chord progressions. The muscle memory is really interesting, the connections I make in my brain. Like certain segments I play correlate directly in my mind to trying to get someone off with my fingers, the same rythmn & pressure, & it relaxes my entire body….hence I sometimes have the experience of engaging in some weird pseudo love affairs with pianos, I’m still developing my boundaries around this one.  

// solstice//

Its solstice. I will be worshipping the dirt. And the night. Burning things. 

// so….//

In the next couple of weeks I hope to put some thoughts down so that people can kind of know where I’m at. I’ve been doing a lot of personal growth/work/healing lately and I am planning on making some really big changes in my life, already have really. 

For the last 2 months I’ve been terrified to even open my computer, I purposefully spent the last 2 months camping somewhere with no cell reception & much of the time no electricity. This has been beyond good for my health, mental and physical. It’s given me a long time to sort through the layers of what my life has become and now the time has come for me to start executing some major changes in the way I live my life. 

I’ll try and have some sort of lucid explanation soon enough. 

Lots of love

may